updates
Thank you guys for your patience as I took an unexpected hiatus from weekly writing—I think I was somewhat struggling to find reason to write, as well as having a hard time catching my breath processing recent events both in my personal life and the world. And honestly just feeling lazy. But I hope this can serve as a reminder for anyone who feels discouraged to extend grace to yourself. Times are hard! You are already doing so much and doing what you can to make things work. So maybe what you need right now is to take a breather, whether that’s 5 minutes, the entire day off, or going offline. But feel free to continue reading to take your mind off things for just a second
As I’m nearing the half-year mark of my gap year (wait what), I can’t help but begin to measure my success by how much I’ve accomplished. I’m catching myself buying into the very culture of what I don’t enjoy…that is, assigning my worth to my productivity, social appraisal, upward progress. I actually think a lot of it can be attributed to the fact that it’s recruiting season and I feel like I’ve fallen off the horse a little bit when it comes to “being on the grind,” so I tell myself I need to do better. (I’m also convinced I’m experiencing some semblance of a quarter-life/post-grad crisis.) The truth is, time doesn’t slow down for anyone, opportunities come and go, and things happen unexpectedly all the time. It’s a lesson I’m constantly relearning as someone who wrestles with surrender and control—that I wasn’t created to figure out my life; I’m made to give up control over it so that, in faithful anticipation, I can live freely in God’s promises for me (of course, this still requires labor on my part, but it’s all about finding the balance).
So in the spirit of surrender, here are some circumstances I am currently working through and being challenged to release control over:
Getting my first big girl job. Recognizing my interests and preferences, being okay with rejection (and knowing that rejection is often redirection), and accepting the fact that my first job will probably not be exactly what I envisioned.
Who I’ll marry. I think this one speaks for itself LOL
What my friendships will look like a year from now. Who are my closest friends, how might that evolve over time, place, and circumstance, and what does it look like to cherish my current relationships but hold them loosely?
Seeking parents’ approval in making life decisions. What does independence look like while respecting and acknowledging their loving, protective concern over me?
Lack of solid community. What community have I already been given that I can continue to steward? What practical steps can I take to move from a place of discontentment to a place of gratitude (and go meet people)?
It’s easy to get caught in a destructive pattern of thinking, but I think it helps to remember that 1) I am not my thoughts and I can consciously make an effort to reframe the negative, 2) my thoughts, whether embarrassing or self-critical, do not make me any less of a beloved, and 3) I personally believe in a God that loves the sound of my voice. It’s not about how composed, articulate, or coherent I am when I approach him. He desires to hear my every thought, want, and need (even if I feel like it’s not worth telling him). It goes against everything I grew up with, to express myself unashamedly in God’s presence (much like David did!)—but is that not the heart of the Gospel? We are free to access the One who created us, knows us deeper than we know ourselves, and loves us beyond our mistakes and doubts, so why are we boxing him in? He loves holding our hand and guiding us through the valleys, no matter how immature and discombobulated our inner selves are.